95 Comments
User's avatar
Guttermouth's avatar

Can COVID access my browser history?

Does Covid make my husband drink?

How does COVID smuggle children across the southern border?

Did covid drink all my orange juice?

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The Ungovernable's avatar

Did COVID steal the election?

Did COVID cause the war in Ukraine?

Did COVID kill a man with a pencil?

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DavidC's avatar

Does any COVID really know what time it is?

Does any COVID really care?

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RAD's avatar

Are we human or are we COVID?

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the long warred's avatar

COVID’s not this stupid

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John Henry Holliday, DDS's avatar

The answer to your first 3 questions is "the government."

Anton Chigurh drank your orange juice.

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polistra's avatar

Viruses floating in tubs of bleach... THANKS! I NEEDED THIS LAUGH RIGHT NOW!!!!!

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Chris Bray's avatar

DO NOT LAUGH. It gives the virus a pathway!

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AndyinBC's avatar

My understanding is that laughter is now forbidden.

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DavidC's avatar

And it puts the lotion in the basket!

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The Ungovernable's avatar

“Yes, she will Precious. COVID will get the hose!”

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Hal Bray's avatar

The real question: You have tubs of bleach?

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MacGuffin's avatar

But what does it mean to be 'fully' vaccinated - can you be 'full' of the vaccine OF COURSE NOT. There's always room in there for more.

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Paul Clayton's avatar

Is it true that Covid will cause you to transition into the opposite sex?

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Chris Bray's avatar

1.) Yes

2.) And you'll become an admiral!

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PBM's avatar

LOL

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ProfessorTom's avatar

I’ll see your statements about Google’s auto complete in raise you a story about a woman suing a man for $10,000 for standing her up on a date:

https://www.foxnews.com/us/michigan-woman-sues-man-standing-date-gets-argument-judge

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John Henry Holliday, DDS's avatar

Holy cow! The video is amazing.

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AisforApril's avatar

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

"He shoulda swiped left."

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ProfessorTom's avatar

A highly quotable moment in that short clip.

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Rosa the Riveted's avatar

QaShontae, the name screams "Oh no you didn't!"

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brian kennedy's avatar

If the current White House Press Secretary doesn’t work out for some reason, this one is a Dream Candidate to replace her. She’s got the right stuff to stand up for Brandon no matter what he does or says.

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Naomi's avatar

Oh my gosh....hilarious.

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PBM's avatar

I was in-patient at a hospital near San Diego when I tested positive for COVID this week

The comments/attitude of staff was PERFECT! I’m No longer afraid

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Chris Bray's avatar

What did they say?

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PBM's avatar

I’m not telling. I liked them all too much!

Let’s just say I wasn’t worried anymore ;-)

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ProfessorTom's avatar

Did they say that Covid magically disappears if you register as a Democrat?

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AndyinBC's avatar

"can i hurt my face with this meat grinder? will my hamster murder me with a gun?"

- meat grinders cause covid

- hamsters don't need a gun - they just give you covid.

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ProfessorTom's avatar

Hamsters give you Covid especially if you shove them up your ass. 

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the long warred's avatar

Thanks

I wanted to say that but held back 😂

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the long warred's avatar

If people wouldn’t fux 🙈 monkeys we wouldn’t have monkeypox emergency 🚨

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Laura Marks's avatar

Maybe that’s what the Guinea pig disease was in The Sims!

Sorry, my nerd slipped out. I’ll go now.

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Sasha's avatar

Oh I can tell you that you can most definitely get covid in a pool, particularly an outdoor pool! according to my son's swim team. This is why you must socially distance at all times on deck, while wearing a mask, to the edge of the pool, keep your mask at the edge of the pool to put back on immediately upon exiting the pool (it's okay if it's soaked in chlorinated water from all the splashes) You can not share lanes with anyone outside of your family (even if five of you drove in the same car together to get to swim practice) and you must not finish on the same side of the pool as the swimmer in the next lane (lane lines keep the virus from floating to the next swimmer.) When you exit the pool, after donning your wet mask, no locker for you, wear your wet suit directly to your car and exit the parking lot as fast as you can so covid doesn't catch you. Also, if your younger sibling's baby sitter comes down with a positive test, your whole swim group gets quarantined for 14 days, despite all the above mentioned "protocols."

Also, forget hearing your coach who stands alone on the deck, 15 feet away from you, wearing a mask, while you have water in your ears. He gets yelled at by the lifeguard if his masks comes off.

True story, all of it.

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Chris Bray's avatar

Lane markers are very powerful. Hospitals are installing them in hallways, leading to a shortage in swimming pools. Full blockage effect.

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Sasha's avatar

We should place them in all schools, problem solved!

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Cathleen Manny's avatar

A perfect illustration of why I’ve changed from being a lifelong ‘rule follower’ to someone who now refuses to follow rules that are ‘bad/wrong’. We’ve got to all say NO to all of this nonsense.

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Sasha's avatar

My son was always getting yelled out by one particular coach that loved to enforce the ridiculousness, he would get out of the pool to get her something, no on near him or even on the deck, and the coach would yell "maybe you haven't heard about covid!" Because he didn't play the game and put a mask on his wet face. My son finally quit swimming and went to work full time. Five years of working towards wanting to swim in college and the covid circus killed his love of the sport.

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Paz's avatar

I try to use words and not emojis here, but “masks on the edge of pools” 🫢🤢

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Sasha's avatar

Yes, it was ridiculous, and it was an OUTSIDE pool. And then not allowed in the locker rooms to change out of their wet suits. My son had a 45 minute drive home so he would stop at a nearby gym to the pool so he could take a hot shower and change before he drove all the way home. The covid circus was ridiculous and beyond stressful for these kids.

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Paz's avatar

insanity

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Johnny Dollar's avatar

Joe and Justin are the worst snake oil salesmen duo in Vaudeville history.

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ProfessorTom's avatar

Hey! Don’t leave BOJO out!

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Jim's avatar

Holy crap, this guy is a good writer. First time here. I've gotten used battling through word sludge to get stuff in my brain. But this guy gets it right in. Pretty good.

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Dr. K's avatar

Chris,

Funniest thing I have read today. Many thanks.

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Mad Dog's avatar

A guy I work with who is actually a really intelligent man (but who I suspect is somewhere on the functional end of the autism spectrum) has been wearing an N-95 mask *and goggles* every day for almost two and a half years. He's also gotten all of his shots and has wanted more. Of course, he got Covid a couple of months ago. But he bragged that nobody at work could possibly have caught it from him since he takes so many precautions. All those "precautions" didn't do him much good, did they?

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Dennis D. Duffy's avatar

You are a funny man. Well done.

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Michael Maslow's avatar

The "experts" tell us that no one has gotten the flu for the past 2 years. Did Covid eat the flu?

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Steve Smith's avatar

My only question is:

Can COVID regenerate my amputated leg?

Just asking for a friend.

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Chris Bray's avatar

Yes, but only because it wants to eat the new leg.

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Steve Smith's avatar

Oh by the way your interview with Tucker got me here but your writing style (I don't expect to agree with anyone all the time but I sure do appreciate some style in the piece) is what's keeping me here. By the way, I'm what is known as a tightwad and do not give up $5.00 on a monthly basis easily.

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Steve Smith's avatar

Yikes!

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Bryan L's avatar

I loved how the Seattle Times ran an article the other day screeching about how Washington hospitals were overrun, operating at 120-130% capacity, full of people who shouldn't be in the hospital but state law prevents them from being discharged because reasons. And then *the very next day* Simulation Commander posted a substack displaying the official Washington State Covid dashboard showing that hospital utilization was right where it's been for the whole pandemic -- i.e. not overrun at all.

Somebody's lying.

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