Pokin' the Bear
families and societies
Back to the supermarket parking lot. Life in the Coleman Ward is unremarkable; so far my one big thought about comparing Covid-19 to the common cold is that I’ve had much nastier colds. It’s the two-for-one nothingburger special — everyone gets lots of nothingburger.
Responding in one place to many comments, yes: I do think it’s silly to take a rapid antigen test because of a mild cough, and I do think it’s silly to leave home because of it. However.
One of the problems we have is that we’re arguing for medical autonomy and individual choice, and saying that everyone should be able to choose the level of risk they’re willing to live with — which has to imply a tolerance for much greater sensitivity to risk than we might have. If everyone gets to choose, then here’s how that works: I care about Covid about as much as I care about daily events on Neptune, and my inclination is to completely ignore it. But I share a home with someone who’s terrified to be in the presence of a person who carries the DEMON COVID, a death sentence of a disease that devastates all who encounter it. It says so in the New York Times, you fool! So I left.
The thing I can’t figure out is how to resolve two competing instincts: I think we’ve long since needed to move to extreme and rage-flavored confrontation with Big Public Health, the metastasizing network of governmental busybodies who just won’t stop. Life should be hard for the Barbara Ferrers and the Jacinda Arderns, the Justin Trudeauvian shitweasels who won’t leave us alone. But we’re also stuck with the problem of personal relationships, in families that include lots of people who are distressed that you’re not obeying Dr. Fauci. (He works for the government, Chris. That means he’s an expert. How do you not understand this? And hey, if you’re going to the kitchen…)
I’m enthused by the confrontation with authority, but not ready for the transition to the SUCK ON THIS GRANDMA YOU FUCKING BITCH WE WON’T BE RULED BY YOUR WEAKNESS.
I see a set of people I despise and want to confront, and I see a set of people who’ve been coming to my birthday parties for several decades. Their views are more or less aligned.
The hardest problem is that the personal relationships are probably the least likely to yield to any degree of reason, being inevitably bound up with emotion and obligation. A member of the extended family sent me an email message last summer after she learned that I wouldn’t allow our daughter to receive the Pfizer shot. Summarizing, the message said that I’m the lowest, cruelest sack of shit on the face of earth, a disgusting vicious murdering pig who was choosing to kill my own child. (Spoiler alert: My child is still just fine.)
So I spent a couple hours writing a long, careful, detailed message that described my analysis of the risk and the response, and I attached, as PDF files, the peer-reviewed journal articles that provided the background for my decision1. I sent it, and got a response a couple of minutes later. It indicated that I’m the lowest, cruelest sack of shit on the face of earth, a disgusting vicious murdering pig who was choosing to kill my own child.
Haven’t spoken to that person since — and, in fact, that message appears to have cut off an entire branch of the family. But how much of that can we live with? How much family can we lose to this endless manufactured hysteria, and how can we change the forms of these exchanges?
Because, as we all know, peer-reviewed articles are never wrong. But when you’re having a discussion with people who live by Dr. Fauci and the appeal to authority….
I have a similar problem: family members whom you love and care about who simply will not listen to reason or opposing opinions. Not one to give up - or give in - I developed a strategy that worked like a charm. I gave them an ultimatum: Either you agree to sit for a least one hour and LISTEN to highly-credentialed experts, with no axe to grind or monetary incentive to protect, or you will never see me again (and they know I mean it, because I've done it before). The outcome: one agreed hour became nearly three and I have converted hard-core Faucinistas into even harder-core anti-vaxxers who cannot believe they were so easily conned. Audi alteram partem.
Thank you for writing about this. You've illustrated a delicate problem that many of us are facing.
When some people hear a contrary view, they ask: why does this person feel differently? What are their reasons? Such people want to understand contrary views.
But when other people hear a contrary view, they say: this person is evil or stupid. Such people don't want to understand any contrary views. They may not even understand that contrary views are possible.
We waste everyone's time when we try to reason someone out of a view they did not reason themselves into.
That frustration with the current hysteria has led me to pour my energy into actions, not words. I want to become the healthiest person possible, through scientific study of nutrition, training and lifestyle. Improving health outcomes is the only satisfying answer to the death cult.
Where the others fall ill, let us stay well. Where they are weak, let us grow strong. Where they are indulgent, let us practice restraint. Where they are miserable and fearful, let us be joyful and brave. Cede the propaganda war to the empty talkers, and occupy reality instead.
So it was that I haven't been ill beyond a sniffle these last two years, despite flouting every public health directive. I have learned a great deal about physiology and psychology and put it to work improving my athletic performance in measurable and relevant ways.
Of course, we could become Olympic gold medalists in middle age, and some of these people would still have zero respect for our healthcare opinions.
But I'll tell you who is paying attention: our children.
They'll never forget who wore masks and who refused. They'll never forget who got sick and who stayed healthy. They'll never forget who took drugs and who "just said no." And they will understand that they have choices, too, even when everyone around them is choosing differently. They will grow up wanting to understand contrary views.
Public denunciation by family members is no fun, I know.
But in the end, whose experiences matter more: those of our sons and daughters who are just starting their lives, or those of their insane elders hell-bent on destroying their own?