We're DINKS! We can eat food!

ha ha ha childlessness is so fun let us laugh and play

The worst social media trend in the history of the universe, including all future time that has not yet arrived but may eventually spool out into existence if the sun doesn’t explode, is the one with an endless parade of inexplicably smug young adults explaining how much better life is for them as DINKs — couples who have a double income with no kids.

@johnefinanceIn our DINK era 💅 #dinks

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We’re DINKS, so we eat in restaurants! We’re DINKs, so we’re able to travel! Who wants to tell them? If you actually managed to watch that for the whole 45 seconds, note that this healthy young couple is proud that their childless existence allows them to still have sex…three times a week. I’m biting my tongue so hard it’s bleeding. Never doubt those news stories about declining testosterone levels.

Here’s another couple bragging about how sexy their life is because they have lots of money and no children to weigh them down. I beg you to watch this to see what you may have missed by not living this well.

@engelthangHi welcome to the DINK vlog we have snacks 🥨🥯🍿🍕#newlyweds #justmarried #dinks #dinkvlog #doubleincomenokids #costcorun #newlywedlife

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They’re in their 30s, and they can…buy snack food…at…Costco. And also buy slices of Costco pizza. Because of their reproductive barrenness. Suck on that, breeders! Bet you’ve never…been to Costco. This is the precise thrill that comes with the deliberate destruction of a culture of fertility and connection: Chex Mix in buckets.

Anyway, DINKs get to live in SUCH AMAZING APARTMENTS, and they can go to Starbucks whenever they want. This one makes a special point of showing herself taking her birth control — “Gotta prevent those babies!” — as she talks about her amazing life as a member of the laptop class who gets to work from her rented flat:

@emilyraefitThe dinner thing is so real. I don’t want to ask him to make it, but I also expect him to make it without being asked 🤨 #dayinthelife #dinklife #wfh

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If the Middle Ages had developed social media, proud serfs would have made videos about their sexy lives as landless dirt farmers. “And then, at dusk, we lance our boils and eat some grubs with our bleeding fingers. Dance party!” We’re selling cultural and economic decline as a lifestyle choice. Our losses have been clear for quite some time, but the consolation prizes are a stick in the eye. A sharpened stick. A burning sharpened stick.

Damn gurl our life is a PARTY now!

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The hot new future is nothing. The mass culture of 2030 is here with a message, riding a motorcycle and speaking with an Austrian accent, and it would like to say that TURN BACK DON’T COME HERE. Decline. Make your own.