1.) Mr. Luther, you — sorry, having trouble with my reading glasses. It says here you…mailed 95 feces to a door? Do you feel that it was appropriate to put something like that in the mail?
2.) Mr. Calvin, sir, you have raised numerous objections to the elevation of the host. Shouldn’t you be equally concerned about the elevation of the hostess? Don’t you feel that gendered terms are problematic?
3.) For all the witnesses, I’m told you wish to choose your own pastures. Isn’t that a question best left to the farmers?
4.) Gentlemen, you apparently propose to dissolve the monasteries. But most of them are, in my understanding, made out of big rocks, with very solid walls. Wouldn’t that take a prohibitive amount of acid to dissolve those? Have you done an EIR?
5.) I must very candidly inform the witnesses that I cannot agree to your premise, and I frankly find it absurd to say that faith alone is the cause of salivation. Do you have credentials in the science of digestion?
6.) Sir, I’m sorry, I can’t let you off the hook on this. I do not believe, sir, that you are correct to object to the selling of indulgences. My favorite little indulgence is a scoop of gelato in the evenings, sir, and I do not concede that it is appropriate for you to speak with the authority you claim on this personal choice. Can you address this?
7.) This card is smudged, I — sorry. Uh, don’t you feel that it’s a stretch to claim that bile is the sole source of proper religious instruction? I refer the witnesses again to my concerns about salivation.
8.) Mr. Luther, you’ve written extensively on the bondage of your friend Will. I would like to say that I am proud of your courage, and I support sex-positive messaging. How long have you been a member of the BDSM community?
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Substack... is that a new sandwich at Subway