MANHUNT MANHUNT MANHUNT

absurd cabaret of decline

This is a very serious matter, so don’t laugh at it.

Gregory Yetman is more scarier than a million Hitlers. At the terrifying insurrection on January 6, authorities say, Yetman picked up a large canister of bear spray and — every account phrases this the same way — sprayed it toward Capitol police. I can’t find any accounts that claim he entered the Capitol. I haven’t read any accounts that claim he injured any cops. The only much-repeated claim is that he picked up somebody else’s dropped canister of bear spray and sprayed it in the general direction of some police. This is a crime, and don’t do that, but more dangerous things have happened in my living room. While I was in my flannel pajamas.

The new development that took place today tells you exactly how serious Yetman’s alleged crime was, because the FBI went to his house to arrest him for Orange Hiterling on January 6, 2021 — and they went to make that arrest on November 8, 2023. That’s 1,037 days later, or two years, ten months, and three days. You can feel the urgency of the federal law enforcement machinery as this dangerous terrorist lurked in his living room in suburban New Jersey.

Now, here’s where it gets especially serious. Yetman slipped the net, and is now the subject of a massive multi-agency manhunt — which is itself the subject of a massive outpouring of urgent and darkly serious reporting in the national, state, and local news. FLASH: MANHUNT FOR FUGITIVE INSURRECTIONIST. John Brown was a mere amateur, obviously. Please, please, please take two minutes of your life to watch this report, and tell me the thumbnail doesn’t already look like the best entertainment you’ll see this week:

Federal, state, county, and city law enforcement are on scene, with SWAT teams and body armor and camouflage and armored vehicles and helicopters. They’ve got New Jersey’s own bin Laden out there in the suburban woods, though in fairness the actual raid on bin Laden’s compound used far fewer personnel. Screenshot:

See the one guy whose facial expression actually reflects the real seriousness of the situation?

So sprayer-guy wasn’t a serious enough threat to arrest in something less than the nearly three years that have passed since he…sprayed, but we’re going to put on this show of sending an army to hunt for him, closing schools in the area because of the danger of the guy who’s been loose for three years being now suddenly on the loose in the neighborhood where he actually lives and has been going home every night since the terrifying insurrection.

What is this if it isn’t theater — just absolutely pure performative cosplay? I once watched second-graders put on a classroom production of I’m embarrassed to admit that I forget what, and it was significantly more convincing than whatever this is. Merrick Garland is a pathetic jackass.

The best joke, by the way, lands just before the two-minute mark in the terribly serious piece of television journalism I’ve embedded above: “Yetman apparently ran out of the back of the house when agents arrived.”

So when the federal, state, county, and city SWAT teams descend in force to take you down for your terrifying thoughtcrimes, just know that you can escape their righteous justice by walking out the back door, because they park all the armored vehicles out front. See how terribly serious the January 6 dragnet is?

Our government wouldn’t be more obviously performative if they dressed their SWAT teams in sparkly tights and tap shoes. “FBI, pal! We got a warrant, and we…gotta dance!”

This terribly serious law enforcement matter will continue until roughly the morning of November 6, 2024.