A Firmly Worded Directive on the Importance of Democracy, Addressed to All Citizens from the People's Central Committee on State Security

the cartel warns you against cartels

You’ve probably read headlines about 741 national security professionals endorsing Kamala Harris and warning you against voting for Trump, and you’ve probably rolled your eyes at the whole stupid production. After all, nothing says democracy like the military and the intelligence community directing the citizenry on which political party to choose. I’m no authoritarian — I’m voting the way CIA officials tell me to vote! The headlines describe the signatories as non-partisan, and the list of names is indeed wonderfully free of partisan bias. Alexander Vindman and John Kerry, say for example.

But as dumb as you already know it is, go read that letter. If, two hundred years from now, one of your descendants finds himself serving as a curator at the Museum of American Decline, this letter will get a whole explanatory panel to itself in the main hall. Let’s evaluate the quality of the argument, shall we?

This election is a choice between serious leadership and vengeful impulsiveness. It is a choice between democracy and authoritarianism. Vice President Harris defends America’s democratic ideals, while former President Donald Trump endangers them.

We do not make such an assessment lightly. We are trained to make sober, rational decisions. That is how we know Vice President Harris would make an excellent Commander-in-Chief, while Mr. Trump has proven he is not up to the job. As leaders, we know effective leadership requires in-depth knowledge, careful deliberation, understanding of your adversaries, and empathy for those you lead. It requires listening to those with expertise and not firing them when they disagree with you.

Every sentence of this is idiotic on its face, but “Vice President Harris would make an excellent Commander-in-Chief” because “effective leadership requires…empathy for those you lead.” Good leadership is listening and not firing people, you see. That’s what distinguishes Kamala Harris?

VP Kamala Harris Had 92-Percent Staff Turnover During Her First Three Years

The first articles about a “staff exodus” landed in 2021, the same year Harris first became the vice-president — and they landed in Politico and the Washington Post, friendly newsletters of the Beltway cartel.

So these very important national security leaders have made an argument about the importance of electing the brilliant Kamala Harris, who was practically born with the natural statesmanship to serve as President of the United States, and their opening gambit is to assure you of the one thing that everyone knows isn’t true. She’s warm and empathetic and really a, um, listener. Her careful deliberative process with her staff is so full of mutual respect, they say, mumbling and staring at the sidewalk. Citizen, we make this statement of our own free will! Kamala Harris is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life.

It gets rapidly worse.

Vice President Harris has proven she is an effective leader able to advance American national security interests. Her relentless diplomacy with allies around the globe preserved a united front in support of Ukraine’s fight against Russian aggression. She grasps the reality of American military deterrence, promising to preserve the American military’s status as the most “lethal” force in the world.

She grasps the reality of American military deterrence. That’s why there are no wars anywhere, you see, because she and that other what’s-his-name person who works down the hall had the wisdom to deter them all. To write that sentence at any point in the last year would have been obviously crazy, but to write it now is an escalation into willful psychosis that could make a psychiatrist triple an inpatient’s dosage. The war in Ukraine is escalating sharply. The war between Israel and a menu of adversaries — Hamas, Hezbollah, the suppliers and hosts of Hezbollah — is escalating sharply, right now, tonight. The Red Sea is still extraordinarily dangerous for commercial shipping, ten months into a major military operation to make it safe. So vote for…the current vice-president…to preserve…the quality of our…military deterrence.

Vote for Mrs. O'Leary's cow to prevent fires.

And then Kamala Harris promises to preserve the American military’s status as the most “lethal” force in the world, and isn’t it psychologically fascinating that retired military leaders used scare quotes to describe the lethality of the organizations they led? They so-called quote-unquote “kill” people, using what some might call “weapons.”

But anyway, let’s look in on developments in the American military over the last few years, while the born-to-understand-the-topic-of-lethality leader Kamala Harris has boldly preserved the American military’s status as the most lethal:

These 741 retired national security leaders: What have they done well? Somebody call the Taliban switchboard, Kabul-0834, and put that question to the people who would know the answer. They might still be out flying their new helicopters, so just leave a message if they don’t answer.

There’s no way to exaggerate the stupidity of the current moment. None of these people are making arguments; they’re reciting their loyalty noises to the cartel, with perfect mindlessness. The non-argument “arguments” set your teeth on edge at first glance, unless you have brain damage from watching “The View” and can’t think anymore. No one is dumb enough to miss the Strangelovian quality of a headline about intelligence community professionals telling you how to vote to preserve democracy. I mean, except the people on my block with the Barbie-pink MADAM PRESIDENT signs, but at least now you understand why I drink.

Similarly, the extraordinary spectacle of the Ukrainian president campaigning for Harris-Walz in a swing state blasts through all known political norms, one presidential term after an impeachment over allegations that a president sought political help from the Ukrainian president. Don’t miss Volodymyr Zelenskyy in the New Yorker this week, warning in an interview that JD Vance is “too radical” and the dangerous orange devil doesn’t know how to end the war.

So it’s not just Dick Cheney and Colonel Vindman and the IRS union and some retired CIA officials who demand that you vote for Kamala Harris — a foreign president is also on hand to kiss babies for the Democratic ticket. You can really feel the fight for democracy against — sorry, need to go vomit. Back later.