We's fixin' tuh have us a shootin' wahr

tedious tedious tedious hollywood bullshit

Cletus is ‘bout to go kinetic, y’all. I got the news straight from brunch in Brentwood, where people really understand Middle America.

The trailer has dropped for a major new movie about an American civil war. No, not that one: the next one, with the dictatorial president who seizes an unconstitutional third term and refuses to leave the White House, and is an old white guy with big hair who drawls and thinks the world of himself and totally isn’t like any real person they’re trying to compare him to.

Note that the sniper in the thumbnail has camouflaged his rifle with a pile of spaghetti to avoid being seen, but is also wearing…nail polish? I am unfamiliar with this military doctrine, but if you ever find yourself in a war, wear bright shiny things so you blend in with the trees. I hope we’ve all seen the White House Christmas video this year, because I think they might also be gesturing at this brand of postmodern ghillie suit:

You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall!

Civil War is Hollywood’s other “America collapsing soon” movie, behind the Obama-backed Leave the World Behind, which sounds like a form of torture. Here is my complete analysis of the Obama movie, the mere thought of which instantly drives me to blank stares and vacant drooling:

You can watch the Civil War trailer to see how utterly dogshit banal it is, but my favorite detail is that Texas and California form an alliance against the US government and secede together. Yes, a long line of development executives said, Texas and California share a political agenda and would obviously make common cause in an insurgency.

I beg you to get drunk and discover on your own what professional entertainment journalists, a real category of human existence, are saying about this movie.

“…where president bombs American citizens in near future.” Uh-huh.

Sample analysis: “Civil War appears to be a fearless take on an extreme but potentially plausible form of American dystopia in which 19 states secede from the country.” There’s a whole bunch of this chin-stroking about the plausibility of a real civil war very soon, building to this gloriously revealing observation that allows you to instantly understand who you’re listening to:

The biggest question mark from the Civil War trailer, other than which side is fighting for the right reasons, is how the Western forces have been able to militarize to a point where they have military-grade helicopters, humvees, weapons, and supplies. A military camp shown in the Civil War trailer (see gallery above) appears like it's part of the United States Army but flies the two-star Western Forces flag. This raises the question of who is supplying the Western Forces with such advanced equipment and implies a potential third party or a privately funded military.

Yes, where the hell would California ever get military equipment?

The moment in the trailer that’s supposed to make you go oooh aaahhhhh and really get the message of the movie is when a group of unarmed people say to a soldier with a rifle, “We’re American!”, and the dumb redneck son-of-a-bitch replies, “Okay. What kind of American are you?”

NOW DO YOU SEE WHAT ORANGE HITLER IS DOING TO USSSSSSSS!?!?!?!?? It’s very subtle messaging, but if you dig into it a bit, see.

Note how perfectly this message draws a circle: The movie that warns us against the dangers of becoming divided and turning against each other instead of standing together is the movie that wants to pitch us “an extreme but potentially plausible form of American dystopia” in which we all start killing each other. It’s wishcasting the thing it warns against.

Anyway, dystopia looms! Collapse draws near! We’re all about to DIE DIE DIE! It all makes me think of a screaming, sobbing argument with a manipulative ex who occasionally stops “crying so hard” to look up and see if it’s working.

Hollywood, and the other Hollywood that pretends to be news, and the other Hollywood that pretends to be political leaders, will be pounding you with this “impending crisis” message all day and every day for the next year. As I’ve said many times, go to America. Go travel around and talk to people. You’ll encounter a bunch of terrifying and devastating…politeness and friendliness. People are mostly fine, though the cost of food, fuel, and housing is producing considerable pain. There is a brutal cultural implosion brewing, with all kinds of implied collapse behind it, but — hint, hint! — it’s not happening in Middle America.

“What kind of American are you?” LOL, you dorks. Get out more.