Significantly Lower Than Pond Scum

Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem was questioned today by the House Homeland Security Committee. Nothing has ever been dumber. No human beings have ever been less impressive than the Democrats on this congressional committee. I can’t really say anything about it — no insult could ever be adequate, and I feel frustrated by the inadequacy of my chosen headline. Sample argument from Rep. LaMonica McIver, referring to her Republican colleagues on the committee:

Y’all is kissin’ Trump’s butt cheeks, a stirring echo of Daniel Webster’s greatest congressional oration. Incredibly, this comment was made during her obnoxiously long prepared statement, which you can see on the table in front of her. Her staff typed up the butt cheeks thing for her to read to the nation, no doubt feeling like behind-the-scenes witnesses to the Lincoln-Douglas debates. Watch the whole absolutely pathetic and repellent performance here, if you must:

McIver used her “questions” to tell Noem that DHS isn’t respecting congressional oversight authority:

She’s referring, of course, to her own felony indictment for trying to shove her way into a federal detention center, while screaming at federal officers that they were all a bunch of motherfuckers. Or, as Politico put it, reviewing body camera footage in which the large elbow-throwing red object is LaMonica McIver…

…McIver set off bodily contact with some cops. Remember that wording if you ever end up in court for brawling with your local patrolmen. I think the way it works is that it’s just a quick get-out-of-jail-free card, maybe.

Noem was also questioned by Rep. Shri Thanedar, who is absolutely not doing Borat-type schtick for a future gag film with prop eyebrows he borrowed from a circus:

If you don’t want to watch all of that, here’s a quick summary: Thanedar “asks” Noem if she’s a liar and a hateful monster who is despised by the American people, and she says that she’s not, and then he “asks” again if she’s a bad person who lies, and she says no, and then he “asks” if she’s a liar, and then…

Incredibly, Ranking Member Bennie Thompson tried to ask Noem about “the unfortunate accident that occurred with the National Guardsmen,” referring to the murder of the West Virginia National Guard’s Spc. Sarah Beckstrom and the attempted murder of Staff Sgt. Andrew Wolfe. It was a whoopsie: just an accident, and how did all these silly bullets end up in the heads of those two unfortunate young people. It was like how Jack used to tell Krissy her ferns were so big, but Mr. Roper was listening through a door and thought he was talking about something else, and oh boy the misunderstanding.

Noem’s response was significantly more polite than Thompson deserved:

And so on. Every piece of Democratic questioning was so breathtakingly stupid it hurt to watch, but let’s not beat the point into the ground. Of course they’re laying the narrative groundwork for this month’s Grand Democratic Theme, the pending impeachment of absolutely everybody:

Just imagine how terrified you would be if you faced the wrath of…Delia C. Ramirez.

Here, have an extra gif at no additional charge:

Now, if you see how brutally stupid and totally worthless House Democrats are, here’s Part Two:

The House passed a measure today to reverse President Donald Trump’s executive order ending collective bargaining for a large portion of the federal bureaucracy. The pro-public-union measure passed by a vote of 231-195 in a legislative body with a Republican majority. The bill still has to pass in the Senate, and would need the president’s signature, so LOL and whatever, but it was advanced with a Republican co-sponsor and substantial Republican support.

No matter how pathetic congressional Democrats become, there are always some congressional Republicans willing to jump in and advance their agenda. Republicans have the dumbest opposition in the history of the universe, and they keep finding ways to lose to them. Now, a quiz: If you’re losing to the worst, dumbest, most pathetic people in the world, then you are _____________ (fill in blank).

Imagine losing in any way, to any degree, at any point, ever, to LaMonica “Butt Cheeks” McIver. As we say to the bartender, just keep the bottle nearby and in a state of immediate readiness.